The Silence After the Session
Content note: This article touches on client suicide and practitioner grief.
There are parts of our work that we train for, plan for, and feel ready to meet. And then there are the moments that shake us to our core, the ones we hope will never come. Losing a client by suicide is one of them. I’m writing this because counsellor grief deserves a place in our conversations, and because being part of a community means being willing to hold the difficult truths as well as the hopeful ones….
As counsellors we have heard lots of stories and held lots of spaces but there are some things that are still very difficult to talk about within our communities. One of those things is the death of a client, in particular death by suicide.
In October 2024 one of my long-standing clients took their own life. I am sure many of you will relate to this being the one thing I had hoped would never happen to me as a counsellor.
I want to share my experience because I genuinely believe this should be talked about more in our communities. A counsellor who had once been the subject of a complaint told me that they felt others didn’t want to ‘catch’ the complaint,that people became uncomfortable or dismissive around them. I have to say, I felt something similar after my client’s death. I completely understand why; it often comes from fear and uncertainty about how to respond. I hold no ill will towards anyone, but it revealed just how isolating this kind of loss can be.
I believe there are two potential reasons why you might have chosen to read this article:
This isn’t something that has happened to you as a practitioner, but you would like to be prepared in case it ever does
You may have lost a client due to suicide, and you are looking for information and / or solidarity
I’m going to try to speak to both of these practitioners because:
It is understandable to want to be prepared for this eventuality and I do believe it would have helped me if I’d been more prepared
It is so important that anyone who has experienced this receives the support that they need
Emotions and reactions
I won’t go into details of what happened with my client, of course, but I will talk about how I experienced it. Confidentiality can be a reason why people don’t talk about this topic more, but in reality, it doesn’t stop us talking about what matters: what this experience can feel like and what we can do as a practitioner so that we can heal, work and go about our lives.
I will take some time before the end of the article to talk about what to do practically as this is important and, unfortunately, there isn’t enough information out there about this.
As I feel they deserve a name, for the purposes of this piece I will call them Jay.
The suicide was totally unexpected, and I remember the strange and complex barrage of emotions vividly: shock, sadness, anger and fear.
Shock because it felt so out of the blue.
Sadness because I’d shared tender moments with Jay and I’d liked them enormously.
Anger because of the experiences in Jay’s life that had led to this tragedy. And anger, quite honestly because a part of me found myself thinking: ‘how could you make me feel so sad? How could you do this to my career? How could you cause me to feel this way about a job I love?’ If this is something that has, sadly, happened to you, these kinds of feelings are very valid.
But these emotions also felt like they shouldn’t belong to me. ‘This is nothing compared to what the family must feel,’ I remember thinking. And I remember feeling like I was outside the bubble of what had happened (which, essentially, I was). I couldn’t ask any questions. I just had to wait with my own, sharp grief and see how things would unfold. Would I be asked to provide any evidence? Would the family want to find someone to blame?
My sensible, adult self knew that I had done everything that I could for Jay and that there had been no indication that this was the route that they were going to take. This part of me was also aware that our clients only spend fifty minutes to one hour a week with us; we can’t hold ourselves responsible for what happens to them or what they decide in between. But I have historic patterns of self-blame and self-criticism, so it was difficult to unravel myself from those patterns.
I believe it may be useful to be aware of the patterns that you are prone to, should something like this happen to you as a practitioner. I know that, as counsellors, we are aware of our patterns but it could be helpful to ask yourself ‘if something like this happened, what patterns could kick in? How might I behave towards myself following something like this?’ Self-blame and self-criticism are common patterns in those who have experienced trauma or adversity (as many counsellors have). Other patterns that could kick in include ‘numbing out’ or making yourself small. Something that I’ve noticed in myself is that in adversity I can assume that whatever has happened must be at least partially my fault, so I shrink and find it difficult to assert myself. I believe it can be helpful to be aware of these eventualities because we will have a greater awareness when these professional challenges occur.
Something else that can commonly happen when a client takes their life is that the practitioner can become risk-averse or hypervigilant. Following the events of October 2024, I remember being nervy that another client might feel suicidal. I think I was being hypervigilant and they seemed surprised that I questioned them in this way. I think it is important to be kind to ourselves in these cases and know that our reaction is because we care.
The experience also shifted, however temporarily, how I felt about myself as a practitioner. This can be a common theme for counsellors who experience something like this and, of course, it can manifest slightly differently for everyone. It isn’t uncommon to feel jaded in your role and even to wonder if you want to continue with the work. It’s so important to reach out for support should this happen to you (I will talk about this more later).
Resourcing ourselves as practitioners
For those who are interested in more ways to prepare yourself for a professional upheaval like this in the future, for me, I believe these are the most important things.
Ensure that your notes are in good order. Everyone has a different approach to taking notes and that is fine. The minimum is that you have the dates and times of sessions recorded (you may wish to refer to your insurance company to check what their expectations are).
Remember every day that your wellbeing matters too. It’s important to care for ourselves anyway but it’s also important because, should anything like this happen, we need to have some energy and self-kindness in our reserves.
It’s important to have a community of peers who you can turn to. I qualified and started practising shortly before COVID so my level of community wasn’t what it could be. Luckily, I did have a peer support group by this point, but I could definitely have been more resourced with community support.
Ensure you have a supervisor you can trust and get on well with. I was in the process of changing supervisors when my client took their life. Bad timing can happen, of course, but it did show me how important a good supervisor relationship is in these circumstances. If you are unsure or wary of the support you would receive from your supervisor should something like this happen, perhaps it is time to talk to them about this or find a new supervisor.
Practical Considerations
Alongside the emotional impact of a client taking their life, there are also practical considerations that can feel overwhelming, especially when you are already in shock. I think it is important to take some time to explore this. Please note that this is my perspective as someone who works with adults in private practice. If you work for an organisation or with children or young people, it is important to follow tailored advice.
Inform your supervisor (if not already involved). You may wish to arrange an extra session should your session seem too far away.
Check your insurance and / or organisational policies. Often insurance companies require that you call them should something like this happen. My insurance company were very helpful. They also told me that they offer counselling for practitioners in this situation. This could be a useful resource and not something I realised existed.
Consider client notes: are they up to date and do you need to update your practice management system, for instance? You may also like to check the procedure pertaining to confidentiality after death.
Consider any contact with next of kin. If this is a consideration it might be important to address this in supervision.
Again, you are human and it is very important to look after yourself during this time. Consider if you need to take some time off and any extra support that you may need (eg. counselling). Despite what your capable counsellor psyche might tell you, it is very normal to grieve for a client who has taken their life, and it is important that you prioritise yourself.
I really cannot stress the self-care part enough. When I look back on what happened in Autumn 2024, I realise I wasn’t aware what a huge shock this was. Not only is this the death of a client a professional shock, but it is also a personal one.
As counsellors we don’t just invest our professional selves. We invest our emotions, our empathy, our energy and love in the work that we do. When a client dies, we feel it and we need time to heal.
I wish that writing this article wasn’t necessary, that losing a client to suicide wasn’t a potential part of our role. But if this is a situation you find yourself in, please know this: your grief is real, your reactions are human and you do not have to navigate it alone. I think it is so important that counsellors no longer feel alone when something of this nature happens.
These are the moments that remind us just how much of ourselves we bring to this work, and how deeply we need spaces that can hold us too. Therapy Pot exists for exactly this reason: a place where counsellors can be witnessed, supported, and met with honesty and care. If you find yourself navigating a loss like this, please know that you don’t have to carry it alone. We are building a community where your grief, your humanity, and your story have a place to land.